Got back from a little vacation a couple of days ago. Time passes by so quickly. I had hoped to have so much done before I left, even though I could perhaps do some work while away, but that is a pipe dream. I did do some productive things while I was away though. It was nice to go home for a while and be in comfortable surroundings. Seeing other people’s houses makes me want to make my own apartment more like a home and less like a waystation. I never thought I would be here so long, never expected to stay in one place so stagnant for so long. Didn’t realize that I can let time pass by without doing a lot. Without making it count. It’s sad. But at any time I can change that, I can choose to do something and over again I have been choosing not to try. I tried something scary at home and it turned out okay. It wasn’t as bad as I had feared. No one go hurt, I didn’t crack under pressure. I’m happy about that. I need to clean up my house and my mind and try again to keep it that way. I keep having to try again, and maybe I should stop seeing it as a failure and see it as a process, a part of life. People always have to clean. Lives aren’t tidy by nature, you have to work at tidiness. People put time into keeping their homes clean and to putting things back and to removing dust. I need to do that too. I have to respect my home. I need to dump stuff that I don’t need or don’t want anymore instead of holding onto it. I don’t really know how to get rid of it though. I guess I could just leave it in the garbage room like everybody else does, and just walk away and not worry about it. That is a possibility. I have to choose to do things. I have to put more urgency into my movements. I have to move. I can’t just let the world around me move and let myself sit still. There are a couple things that I want to get done today. I was wondering if I should have done them early in the morning shortly after I got up so I wouldn’t be thinking about them now. Who knows what the right thing to do it. Who knows.

Gratitude. I have my health. My bones are not in great shape, but I can do something about it and I can move freely. Technology, I love my computer.

q. What are you doing?

a. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing for most of the day. Stuff just happens all around me and I sit here.

q. Why don’t you go do something? Just for 15 minutes.

a. Like what?

q. Anything. Something. 15 minutes. Just focus on the output for 15 minutes. Write or draw or solve a problem.

a. Ok. I think I can do that.

a. my stomach hurts.

q. didn’t it hurt before you started.

a. yes

q. so just suck it up for 15 minutes then.

a. ok.

a. I got distracted. I’m thinking maybe I should go home. My pants are too tight.

q. Did you not realize that when you got dressed?

a. Well, I wasn’t sitting down for much this morning, so no, I didn’t really see that.

q. (eye roll)

a. well, can I go?

q. It’s your life. I’m just trying to make it better. Actually, it’s my life too, I just am not the one in control. I can only make suggestions for betterment. Whether those suggestions get followed or not is not under my control.

a. It is though, sort of. We all contribute.

q. But you are the one that ultimately decides what to do. You are in charge, whether you want to be or not. Choosing to do nothing is still choosing, even if you don’t want to take responsibility for it. It’s still a choice and there is an outcome from that choice.

a. True. Yeah, I know. You know, there’s a lot of shit going on everywhere. How do any people get work done?

q. Well, you see, not everybody works all the time. They have bursts of work and then downtime to rest their brains or bodies or both. And then after a certain amount of time they realize that they have to start up again otherwise they won’t finish on time. Some people try to do many things all at once, and others try to do one thing and then move on to the others. I don’t know what is the best way, it’s just what people do.

q. So where did you go?

a. I was reading some stuff, research reports written by people of questionable qualifications.

q. you’re going to go home aren’t you/

a. yes.

q. ok, well then get going.

I ran last night. I did three laps again, but I really thought I would go home after 2, if I could even make it to 2. It was not a great outing at first. My legs felt heavy and I felt like I had no energy to run, I had to stop a lot for walking breaks. The temperature was nice though, so it was just me that wasn’t feeling ‘normal’. But I made myself continue and sort of went along with the discomfort and after a while, it got easier. And then on my 2nd lap I figured I could do one more, and I did. And I even ran part way home. And then when I got home I did the entire yoga DVD. I hope I didn’t hurt anything. There were a few times where I felt the beginning of some sharp knee pains so I stopped pushing so much in those poses. Today my bag is heavier than usual so my hip was starting to hurt a bit. I’m carrying a glass lunch container now, so that adds to the weight, but I think the main cause is that the bag is heavier than my backpack and it’s a shoulder bag so the weight is not so easy to carry and is not easily spread around.

I feel like I missed the sale of the century on the stock market.

I shouldn’t be concerned with things that annoy me. I should focus on ignoring them, or rather focus on something else so that effectively I don’t have time to let the annoyances bug me.

I did go running. I just got back. And I did more than I thought I would and I could have done more, and I feel great and it was a great run, very enjoyable. I think the hill running is paying off. The last three runs I’ve done have been uphill, to work on my knees and hips, since they are my weakness. I read somewhere that this running coach made the people who were injury prone do hills more often and that helped keep them injury-free, so I figured I would try it out. I think it works, from my non-scientific self-study. Anyway, I feel great. I feel alive. I love this feeling. Like I accomplished something and I’m kind of sweaty and I’ve got energy. I will do some yoga and stretching. This is also a reminder that I should try and stay injury free so I have the potential to feel like this every day. I can’t run every day yet. And I shouldn’t have been trying to run every day  a few months ago. And I should have been stretching after every run and doing strength exercises along-side the running instead of just running and nothing else. Ah well, live and learn. So this is a reminder to do all that. And a reminder that it is worth it. Every day may not feel great, but it helps me have days like this. All your runs can’t be special otherwise you wouldn’t appreciate how special they are. I guess they can all be unique and special in different ways. This is the best run I’ve had in a long time. Of course, I haven’t been able to run for over a month so that adds to things. Anyway, just wanted to jot that down.

I had a decent day today. I didn’t get any work done. I lingered at home for quite a while before leaving the house, so I was at home when the guy came to fix the light fixture. I’m glad I was home for that since I think he might have walked away without doing anything if I hadn’t been there to explain the problem. And he was nice enough to change the other hall light too, so now I have real fixtures instead of these ugly metal things, which I didn’t realize were so ugly until I got the new ones. And the new ones let out basically all of the light, so it’s not hidden under a bushel, so it’s good for reading and what not and now I have a proper work area. All that’s missing is internet access, which I’m still on the fence about. If I get the internet hooked up I may never get anything done. As it is I can leech off a neighbour every once in a while and that’s enough to prevent me from doing a lot already. And then there’s the library if I ever need real internet access, and random cafes too. I got dressed and put on make up and did my hair today, and it went all fairly smoothly and even though I got up late i was able to get ready quickly today. I was surprised at how quickly. And then I ended up watching TV and on the internet and then I got hungry and then the light guy showed up as I was almost leaving, so then I decided to clean the kitchen and wash the dishes. I had already done a load of dishes when I got up because I had chosen not to last night, even though I told myself I had to. I guess that’s the problem- telling myself that I have to do things. In any case, I will see how it goes.

I used my new bag again today, the one I was thinking about abandoning and also the one that made me decide never to buy bags on the internet again unless I’ve seen them in person. I’m still not happy with the bag, but I managed not to put too many things inside it so it wasn’t too heavy. I also think I have strengthened my hips and arm muscles so that I am able to carry it better.

This library is nice and quiet, almost deathly, and the light is not great, but for the quiet, I think I should come back tomorrow. I hope it’s not filled with people. That would be sad.

I figured out how to transfer things ad-hoc wirelessly from the mac to the iphone, and also, I figured out how to convert a bunch of books into a format that one reader will read instead of having to have an icon for every single book, which is pretty annoying. I am going to go running tonight. I hope announcing that does not lessen my chances of following through on that. I need to do some work, instead, I spent the time like I usually do. If you have no plan, then this is what happens and you can’t expect yourself to suddenly change, because you don’t and you didn’t. Any changes in you happen gradually and that’s where your expectations should lie. This is a nice place to work, but you have one of these at home too, just without internet and let’s face it, you don’t really need the internet to work. It’s just a perk. You don’t even really need a computer either, you could write by hand and then type up your notes but now that you’ve increased your typing speed there’s not really any sense in doing that.

So what is the plan for tomorrow? You should try to accomplish the schedule that you set out for yourself at the beginning of the week. It was a good schedule, even had lots of holes in the afternoon session so you could make up for lost time or even just goof off a while and still get everything done. Please. OK. You can make yourself a banner tonight. I’m trying to decide the message:

It’s okay.

It’s okay (name_here)!

It’s supposed to be encouraging. I wonder if that is encouraging enough. I have some space on the wall of my new desk space for a painting and I’m thinking of putting this banner. I was going to put some art but I couldn’t think of what my favorite painting would be. And now I remember had a bunch of calendar prints of Monet and Van Gogh. I could use those. But I have a feeling I might have thrown them away. I remember doing some cleaning. I could make new art work. That could be a fun project for tonight. But I have to remember to get some running in, and also some yoga. I have to keep stretching and strengthening my hips and knees. I’m getting old(er).

I’ve been reading this self-coaching book, and it’s got a lot of good things in it. I don’t know if I can apply everything, but I think my life would be a lot better if I could. You have to be nice to yourself, and get rid of the negative talking. That’s easier said than done of course and then you have to find a way to approach your work so that you don’t get overwhelmed, you have to set concrete reachable goals that don’t make you feel like things are unsurmountable. I went to bed a bit earlier yesterday, I didn’t even take a shower. I was falling asleep in front of the TV and I knew I should go to bed but I hadn’t showered yet, but I thought by the time I took a shower, it would wake me up and then I wouldn’t fall asleep so easily. I even tried to watch TV for a while but was not interested. And I did fall asleep pretty quickly and I woke up a couple of times but got back to sleep pretty easily. I have to find my sleep mask. I think that’s the reason I woke up a few times. I need to clean up my desk and I need to start working from home. i have to get rid of that negative self-talk that tells me I can’t work from Home. I have everything that I NEED there. I don’t need internet to work– that is a nuisance and time waster, I would like to think I need internet, but I don’t. And then I can get up whenever I want and exercise my legs so I don’t get cramps etc and I can eat when I want and I have all my notes and the extra computer there too. And I can control the temperature and I don’t even have to get dressed, but I should, of course. It could be good. Keep a positive outlook. You used to work all the time in small enclosed spaces. Late into the wee hours of the night. You can do that. You are capable. I wonder if you can do something now.

I would like to go running tonight, just 2 laps and see how it goes. I have a new injury now. Just from walking. I probably shouldn’t run, but I’ll just go out and see what happens. I think yesterday it was as a result of carrying too much weight and also going up hill so that changes the dynamics of the foot and leg.

I have mapped out a schedule for tonight. Didn’t bother mapping anything out for now though, maybe I should go home and work on cleaning up, that way my schedule can finish early. Or I could try and do some work for like 15 minutes. I made the blocks small so that I will feel like it’s not that long, adn really you can do a lot in 15 mins if you put your mind to it.

So I just read something online that really resonated with me. It was about how art stays the same, but you change, so that when you are ready for it, you can appreciate it. It was about how not everyone has the same tastes and we are forever evolving, so something you might like now is not something that you will necessarily like in the future. ANd just beacause you don’t like something now, doesn’t mean that you can’t grow to appreciate it later. Like when I tried to read Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice when I was in my teens. I just couldn’t do it. I knew they were supposed to be good and the synopsis sounded good and I figured that I would like it but i just couldn’t get into it. and then 5 years later or something like that I picked them up and couldn’t pick them down. i remember seeing the characters in my mind and reading until I was exhausted, late into the evening. I became sort of obsessed with Austen and I had to read whatever I could get my hands on. And then there’s so many songs that i didn’t appreciate at all, which I now absolutely love and it’s inconceivable that i would think them to be terrible or unworthy of listening to, but it’s true. there was a time when I had no appreciation for those songs. I just experienced it again recently after going to that concert. I discovered a ton of music that I had never appreciated before.

I just read an old post. It’s weird to see how you were back in time. I don’t know what was going on exactly, but it wasn’t anything good. I think I’m in a better place. But I can’t remember what I was worried about back then. I think it is good to keep tabs on how much time has passed. It brings you closer to the present. A little reminder to live in the now and to do stuff so that more time doesn’t slip away before you know it. I’m listening to one of those sad songs again, but it’s so beautiful, it makes me happy. It’s one of my favorites. If I could go back in time it would be nice to see that song performed live.

That’s my answer whenever someone asks me what’s new in my life. And it’s sad but true. It’s also annoying when people ask you the same questions multiple times in the same conversation. It’s hard enough to think of an interesting anecdote to entertain you and you want me to come up with another one? You didn’t even listen to the first story I told!

I don’t know if I’ll keep writing in here or not, but I’m trying something new. Just to see what happens. And I don’t want to fill up my hard drive with crap and I think I don’t really care if I lose this or not so I’ll do it here.

I’m getting old. I can’t just go out and exercise whenever I want, I have to do things properly, like stretch and make sure my muscles are strong enough to handle the exercise, and they weren’t so I got injured and have been for months. Not seriously of course, I never work out hard enough to cause serious injury, just enough to sideline me from any strenuous activity. Just enough to be annoying because I was just getting into fairly good shape and I’ve lost some fat too, and now I can’t do much running without being in pain or causing more pain, so I’m not going to run for a while. In the mean time I’m doing knee and hip strengthening exercises. It’s kind of boring, but I think it’s helping and also I think I’ll start doing some yoga so that I can get back some of my flexibility, which I totally took for granted. I can’t believe I have hip pain at my age.

I started listening to some happier music, I think it helps with my mood. It’s kind of amazing how that can make a difference. I was listening to a lot of sad stuff before I guess. I still like the sad stuff the best though, especially when you can feel the sadness in the singer’s voice. I can’t sing like that. I’ve tried. I can’t express much emotion in singing, or perhaps even when speaking. I don’t like to listen to my voice, so it’s hard to tell, but I think I would not be a great actor.

I saw a concert last week. That’s where the happy music came from. I should go to concerts more often. It made me want to sing and play music again. I hadn’t been listening to much music before the concert, but now I have a whole bunch of new songs to listen to.

I woke up early today, but not too early, it’s the time that I would like to work towards getting up at, and I even felt like I probably should get up, but then I was kind of bummed out that I could actually sleep a bit more and so maybe I shouldn’t get up yet, and then I turned the TV on and started to get sleepy again and then I slept in. What a waste of time. I waste a lot of time in front of the television. It’s like time stops and sucks me into a vortex and I can’t get out unless there’s a commercial break, but the TV is always there sucking me back in after the commercials are done. I could even tape the show but I don’t because usually I don’t really care if I see it or not. That’s how I know I’m wasting time. If I could tape it and I don’t, it means that I’m not really that interested in watching it. It means that I’m just trying to avoid what I would otherwise be doing. I know all this already. Just maybe if I put it in writing and type and read it, it will sink in and I’ll do something about it. Maybe seeing entries, so many entries will make me realize how much time has passed and how much I could be doing with my time. I don’t want to make myself feel terrible, or anxious, but just make a change. That’s all. Change.

Last night I kind of felt like typing something, because it’s sort of nice to type stuff and then read it over, or not, and just get whatever out, and then delete it. Because it’s just stuff and nothing that I would want to keep forever or anything. It doesn’t matter if I remember how ambivalent I felt one night and then rambled on about stuff that floated through my brain, it’s just nice to get it out, the action of typing of realizing the words and thoughts, or at least some of the thoughts because not everything makes it onto the page and I think I can type faster than I write now and it’s for sure easier to read typed words, but I was too lazy to get out my computer and so I opened up my purple spiral book and wrote some stuff in there, scrawled really. And I wondered why people feel the need to create stuff, to write stuff down. And I wonder what is wrong with me that I am incapable of focusing on my future. Or working toward a future. I know it scares me and I don’t know why it scares me so much and I didn’t want to think about it last night, I didn’t want to have those terrible conflicting thoughts right before going to bed. I hope tonight will be okay. I hope I don’t feel uncomfortable. I hope I don’t act or look like a jackass. I hope things are looking up. I hope.