Time

So the summer is almost gone and I don’t really know where it went. It’s not as hot or humid as it used to be, which I am very grateful for. But at the same time I wish I could stop time right now. And do all the stuff I meant to do. When I think about the things I should have been doing and what I was doing instead it makes me feel pretty shitty and sad. So mostly, I try not to think about that. But that is also part of the problem. I don’t let myself feel shitty enough and I just keep blocking it out so that my behaviour never changes. Perhaps if I was a little more disgusted with myself then I would do more work, that I would get more done. I really do dwell too much in the past. Like how much I waste time. I could move faster, I could chose not to think about those things that happened long ago that I failed to respond to properly and to which it is too late for a response now, the only good thing to do is move on and learn from those experiences. And yet I find myself looking back at all the time spent with nothing much to show for it. There are a few things that I would like to do in the near future and they depend on me getting out of this rut and being active. I’m trying to use those as rewards for working but at the same time I’m telling myself that maybe I don’t really need or want that reward, that maybe I can have a similar experience without having the actual reward. That’s not too good when I’m trying to use this reward as motivation to do some work. I think I know now that I won’t fall apart. Or at least, I can see that I could get through it now. I can envision myself getting through. I can also see that it’s tough for me to do things, and that I need to give myself a chance to do things and I need to be more organized. I need to have all my stuff in one area. I have to stop spreading out and start compartmentalizing. I am feeling more confident in my brain activity, it is still plastic. I can still learn, and I can still focus and memorize and learn things. I’ve been learning some new songs. I’ve also been trying to play them but not much luck there, but my voice, the words, I can control those better. I’ve always had a voice so that’s easier than trying to control my hands on an instrument that I’m not too familiar with. Why is it so easy for words to flow when I don’t know who is reading them, when I don’t reveal myself to the world except through an anonymous blog. Because I’m not accountable. I know no one will read this. Even if someone does read it, they don’t know me and I don’t know them. There will be no interaction between known parties. We can both walk away at any time. Mostly I write this for myself, just to see what I’m thinking about. If I don’t write it down, the thoughts move around too much and I can’t really think about them or really notice what I’m thinking about but here I can look back and notice that I think a lot about time, the past, squandering time, and changing the future. And fear. It’s a lot of posts about being scared, too scared to put myself out there and face people. That’s why this is anonymous. I don’t want to explain what I’ve been doing, or what I’ve not been doing. It hasn’t been productive, it’s not really anything to be proud of, I guess that’s why. I haven’t even been struggling, because I haven’t been trying. And I get overwhelmed over nothing. And I write for ages trying to figure out how I feel and if I’m going crazy or not, and I don’t think I am. I think I am quite self aware. I don’t believe I’m having any delusions. Actually, I know I’m not. So really there’s not much that can be wrong with me, I’m just choosing not to try. And I have to change my tack. I’ve become too complacent, too willing to do nothing, to find false ways to occupy my time, things that have no meaning whatsover. It’s not’ healthy. At all. It is a beautuful day outside. There have been many beautful days for the past few weeks. I just noticed it about a week ago, when I loked up and sae thw green of the leaves in the trees, it was the richest gree, a beautiful green, perhaps my favorite reen of all time. I remember a crayon of that green in kindergaren, we all scrambled to getthe green. I fogre what it was calle, but we had a name for it. I was not looking at the screen while typing that , o reven this, and I dont care. i can figure out wat it sas even if it’s not spelled properly. Maybe it was a forest green. I knw that was a laurentian colour. Anyway, it mae me appreciate nature. and life, it was woarm. and i was walking through the trees. it was a nice moemnt.