I

I miss my youth. I think I squandered it and I had no idea that’s what I was doing. Or maybe I did know and I though there would be time to make up for it, I thought I would always feel or be so young. I don’t feel old, but I think I just feel like there was a lot of time in between where I didn’t do as much as I could have, as much as I should have. And I’m still like that. There’s things I should be doing now that I’m not doing. And I’m not even trying. Last night I though of something though, it was a downtime period for my brain- I was brushing my teeth, and so there’s not much to do but stand there and move the toothbrush and try not to drool too much, and it occurred to me that I have changed in small ways, in good ways, from the past. I have had some very poor habits or compulsions or obsessions in the past, behavioural problems I guess, and I think they started slowly and built up so that they became habits and I didn’t even realize that I had a problem, I didn’t think anything was wrong with me, even when people pointed it out to me. And it was only when I finally realized myself that I did have a problem that I tried to do something about it. I didn’t want to stop because of other people, I wanted to stop for myself, but also for my perception of what other people would think of me if I continued with this behaviour, which I now realized was unacceptable. And as gradual as it became a habit, it gradually went away. And now it’s not a problem anymore. That made me happy, that I am capable of change. No one wants to be stuck as something forever. No one wants to be labeled and stuck in a box with no further potential. 

I need to go to sleep earlier. I’m going to bed too late and I’m waking up all groggy and my eyes hurt. That’s the tell, that’s how I know if I’m getting enough sleep or not, the eyes. And lately they’ve not been happy and they are tired at the moment. In better news, I’m typing better than I used to. I don’t have perfect movement of the fingers and I think I prefer to use the right thumb for spacing and never use the left thumb, interesting and I don’t use the proper CAPS key for doing capital letters, and my whole hand moves over to the backspace key instead of just a finger and I don’t know if I can control that, it just seems to move and I don’t even have a chance to think about it, it’s just over there and then back again, so I’m not sure if I can really complain about it. 

I need some food.