Sunday Night

So I went out tonight to a baby celebration. I thought it would be okay, but it was actually not very fun at all, not that I thought it would be very entertaining or anything. I guess I didn’t really think about it much at all. I was kind of glad to have something to do tonight, but when I was first invited, I was not very excited about it at all and wondered if there was any convenient excuse for not attending. And then I decided it would probably look bad if I didn’t go because I lead a very uneventful life, don’t go out much and never seem to do anything that requires advance commitment, so it would be odd for me to say that I couldn’t make it for unspecified reasons. It’s hard for me to tell people ‘I’m busy’ because there’s not much in my life to be busy with that other people would find more important than a baby celebration, even though a boring day in my life is much more entertaining to me than what happened tonight, and what happens at most, if not all of these sorts of things, which also includes any sort of wedding, anniversary, birthday celebration involving more than approximately 8-10 people. Small gatherings can be fun, but multi-table affairs are always a let down and never fully accomplish what is intended, I believe. You’re there to celebrate with friends/family but when the guest list becomes bloated, you can’t really spend a lot of quality time with the people you came to see. So you’re left talking to people that you will likely never see again until your mutual acquaintance has another one of these types of gatherings. It can be interesting, but I suppose I have been to so many of these things in my life, at different stages of my life, with different types of people, and I just don’t enjoy them. And when I recognize that I have entered myself into one of these situations, something inside me shuts down, something feels kind of sorry for myself, something inside wonders how I will get through it– not as a feeling of total dread, but just morbid curiosity about how events will  unfold, how many uncomfortable silences, how many boring topics of conversation, how much time spent sitting quietly wishing I were somewhere else. I guess it could be said that I have a very negative attitude in general, that if I had a better outlook, if I was more active in the conversation, I would have more fun and these things would be enjoyable. You could say that, but it wouldn’t be true. I am still who I am and changing the way I act may slightly alter how I feel, but overall, I cannot change who I am inherently, I don’t believe, just by those positive actions. I did try tonight. Pretty much every time I could think of a topic to talk about, I asked questions and tried to follow-up everything and add comments where I could. I did try. I also tried to be interested in what people were talking about. Some of the things were actually interesting to me, but overall, it was an uncomfortable dinner and if I had known ahead of time that it would turn out like this, that I would spend my time talking to people who are not my friends, and I would not get to talk to the one person who is my friend or even the two people who are almost friends, then I would not have gone, because quite honestly, the people that I actually know wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t there, so it would not have been offensive if I had not attended. Me not being there would have no negative impact on their lives. Me being there, I believe, had a somewhat negative impact on my life. It was not entirely negative, but there was no joy in the experience. I felt gassy because of the bus ride there, but I did get to read part of a good book on the way there. However, I could have stayed home for that entire time and finished the ENTIRE book in the comfort of my home instead of just 30 pages on a rocking bus. Overall, I lose there. I guess it’s pretty petty of me to be talking about ‘losing’ out while spending time with friends, but in reality, I did not get to spend any time with my friends. I am being a negative nelly here. 

I did realize some things about myself though, things that are good to know for the future, things that I already sort of knew but would not have put into use or context if it had not been for this experience tonight, and for that I am grateful. It is good to realize things about yourself, about how you interact with others and how you relate or do not relate to people. And how people in the real world are. I’m living in my own personal bubble right now, and I am enjoying the day-to-day living because I only really have to deal with myself, and I’m not such a bad person. I’m not perfect or without fault, but I am used to my own company and my faults, so it’s not such a surprise. And at the same time it doesn’t force me to deal with other people, which is bad because I can’t live this way forever, I need to interact with others, even if I don’t like them, I can learn things about myself. Now, I’m not saying that I did not like the people tonight, they were fine people, the parts that I didn’t like were the stories that they told about other people, and the situations that they found themselves in– the way the act and react in their situations is totally different from how I would want to act/react. Who knows how I would really act, but the things that they are expected to do and participate in make me sort of sad/disgusted/unsatisfied/ it’s hard to explain in words, it’s not any of those words but more like a disappointment in the world. A disappointment in the wasteful way in which people are forced to behave to conform to a norm. If you do not do what everyone else is doing, you are considered weird, and not in a good way, you’re probably labeled some sort of a trouble-maker, or not a team player or not a good fit for the corporation. But we are not corporations, we are people, and if we want to act a certain way, and it doesn’t interfere with us getting the job done, then why does it matter that we are not conforming? I understand that in some situations things have to be done a certain way. But wastefulness I don’t believe should ever be a necessity. I know it happens, and I know I myself am wasteful, but blatant wasteful ways just make me ask why. Why is this necessary, what if the public knew about all this crap that goes on behind the scenes, what would they say? Surely people would not want money and resources squandered in such silly and trivial ways. It boggles the mind when I think about the money people can let themselves spend on things. Maybe it’s because I don’t have all that money myself that I can’t see myself spending so frivolously. Maybe if I had that kind of money then I could spend so recklessly, but honestly I do not think it’s possible. At heart I’m just not capable of it. I still feel guilty about my first pair of real running shoes, which cost almost $200, an amount that is next to nothing compared to the squandering that goes on elsewhere. I can’t imagine spending thousands of dollars on one bottle of wine or one piece of clothing, or one bag, or any of those extravagant things. I can appreciate clothing and bags etc, and I think they are pretty and fun, but I don’t think I could bring myself to buy one. I would keep thinking about all the other more practical things I could be spending that money on. It also kills me to spend money on things that I don’t deem are worth their price. It KILLS me. I just can’t bring myself to do it, unless I am obligated to do so. 

So, while I was brushing my teeth I concluded a few things about myself.

-I do not need a lot of money to be happy. I have realized this as I got older. When I was younger I was sure that money equaled happiness. Now I think that money equals comfort, and I want comfort, but it won’t make me happy and there’s no need to make ungodly sums of it. It’s just not worth it for me, I would have to work too hard and likely not have enough time for a life. So, I should work for money because I need money to survive, to be comfortable, but I should not work so hard to earn all the money I can possibly earn in a lifetime because then I will not have time to enjoy the money I’ve earned. Yes, it would be so nice if I could earn a living doing something I loved, but I do not think that is really possible for me at this point. I am not good enough at the things that I love to get paid to do them. But making enough money doing something that I am capable of doing but don’t love, so that I have the resources to spend time doing the things I love– that is worth it. That is justifiable. That is life. That is the next best thing. 

-I will hate myself if I have to work with a slimy corporate entity that is wasteful with resources/money, paying for its employees to get drunk. I really think that is so disgusting. Such a waste of money, especially when you think about all the other things that the company could do with that money, how many people that money could help. Really, is getting drunk a work necessity? 

-I don’t want to have clients that I must socialize with and entertain and get drunk with and spend recklessly with or for. That is also disgusting to me. I think I could do it a few times, for large sums of money, with the goal that this is providing me with the resources to do the things I love. But if I had to do it everyday of my life, I would feel so sad, I would be selling myself. It’s probably slightly shallow that I would do it a few times, for the money. But it’s true. I would. I would see it as short term pain for long term gain. Even that Happier book agrees that sometimes you have to do that. You can’t be happy all the time and ideally you would try not to do things you hate, but sometimes you just have to in order to get where you really want to be. But you should try to NOT have that be your entire life.

-In the grand scheme of things, perhaps tonight wasn’t so bad afterall. I never would have come to those realizations tonight if I had stayed home and finished reading my book. I would not have written this epistle if I had not gone out tonight. This is the first time I’ve written a ton, just like in the old days when I used to write/type in my diary. I should do this more often. It’s good typing practice too, and good to use my words and organize my thoughts, because I am communicating less and less these days. 

I will end with the 5 grateful things list. Or actually it’s supposed to be 5 things that made me happy today

1. I wrote this journal entry
2. I left the house, even though I didn’t really feel like it
3. Seeing a little girl spit out her food. It was hilarious and made me laugh and it made me remember how free it is to be a kid and being able to do whatever you want, being able to just react and be who you are.  
4. Commiserating about parents and the lack of positive reinforcement growing up and how you were always afraid of disappointing your parents. It was nice to have the reminder that I was not alone in that respect. We all go through it. When you grow up thinking that nothing you do is good enough, that your parents will always be dissatisfied, then maybe it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it makes you not want to try at all. Or maybe you are just trying to place blame somewhere because you don’t want to look to yourself, where it really belongs. Or maybe you should stop thinking about blame and loss and negative thoughts and think of all you have learned and experienced and felt and accomplished. And be grateful for all the opportunities that you have had, whether you seized them or squandered them, you had a choice. It’s more than a lot of people ever had in their entire life. I always think that I should use that as inspiration for me to work harder and not waste my time. Hey= I just realized that I am wasting a valuable commodity, something that I would find disgusting in others. My time. I didn’t mention time earlier, but I value time. When I’m doing something I don’t enjoy I always feel like I’m wasting my time, I could be doing something else. But really I waste time every day, every day that I don’t work towards my life goals, I squander a bit of myself, I waste bits of myself every day. I do disgust myself and I try not to think about it. So in effect, I am already working with and for someone that disgusts me, AND doing things that disgust me and then trying to deny it, trying to forget it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. [re: parents-- it's not their fault that they can't express positive emotions. They were also beaten down as children and/or didn't have emotionally demonstrative parents either, so their childhoods were not picnics in the park. It was how they were raised and they turned out ok, and they were only doing what they thought was best for you. In their minds, it was the best thing to do. There was likely no other option possible. But for me, now that i have this realization, I can do something about the future. And if I don't, it means that I didn't learn anything from my experience and that would be truly sad.]
5. I enjoyed having the time to myself to read a book, while in transit. When you are travelling, it is necessary time spend moving, and you are not beholden to do anything else except get to your destination, so it’s nice to read guilt-free. There’s nothing else that you could or should be doing at the time because you are trapped in the moving vehicle, and you are on your way. Time is suspended and you are to entertain yourself with the time in any way that you are able. Books are my preferred choice.
6. I am grateful for my computer and the person who lets me use their wireless access. Thank you for not password protecting your wireless network because I would not have internet access otherwise. It is very much appreciated. 
7. I’m happy and grateful that my hair is getting easier to style.