For Discussion: “The Opposite of Love” by Julie Buxbaum

So I totally feel like I’m back in high school English class answering these questions, which is sort of fun. The Reading Group Guide questions are posted here.

1. I liked the letter that Emily wrote. It felt like something I would do, so I could relate to it. And I thought it was a very nice thing to do, and I felt like she was happy and I was glad that things were going to turn out okay for her. Knowing that she has a happy ending made me feel less apprehentious about her life and the way things were going. I knew that she would survive and get through it so I was just curious to see how she did it, and what she went through, not worried about what would happen. So I guess more interested in the whole process rather than the end result. I did not really judge her actions, I don’t think. I just accepted that they were a part of her journey.
2. Jess is probably not just referring to the break-up with Andrew, but I can’t remember any examples from her past that would apply to this. She could be implying that she enjoys being a sad sack and wallowing. I’m not sure if Jess knows everything about Emily’s past and could relate that to the death of her mother or lack of relationship with her father.
3. “This is who I am: someone who simultaneously longs for and fears the commitment of remembering. Remembering is a commitment because it reinforces the past, what happened and how you responded, you can’t really change memories, they can change but it’s not like you can force them or un-remember them or mis-remember them knowingly. Whatever you do remember is the truth as you saw it, whether or not it is the actual truth. Your memories were created by your brain, based on what you saw. So memory is a commitment to the truth I guess. She wants things to remember but also fears that what memories she creates will be ones that she doesn’t want to remember, so it is easier to do nothing. Once the memory is formed it cannot be easily erased, the moment cannot be undone, though you get opportunities to undo choices sometimes, it still does not negate the fact that you chose that route at one point. You cannot erase your past. Memories help shape who we are, they are a part of us, they are the chosen parts of our lives that our brain keeps alive. So in a sense they are us, because somehow your brain has chosen to keep those memories, deems them important somehow and works to keep them, while other memories are discarded. Remembering can also help us shape future decisions and actions, and help us change or stay the same or just influence our actions. I do not believe you can truly regulate your memory. You can try, but I think we cannot do it. We are not in charge. There are things that we would rather forget sometimes, but they turn out to be some of the most remembered things in our lives. And other times we long to remember someone’s voice or touch and are saddened when these memories fade. You can try to memorize things but there are no guarantees.
4. She doesn’t report the sexual harassment because the ordeal of the whole reporting process is just tedious and embarrassing and time consuming and a part of her feels that maybe she was making a big deal about it and should just laugh it off, since nothing physically happened to her her. She worries that she will be labelled a troublemaker and will be unable to find another job. I would have probably done the same thing because I do not like confrontation. It’s easier to walk away than to have a big deal made about stuff. I imagine that sexual harassment is not uncommon in the workplace and that it often goes unreported, it’s just easier that way. And I guess that’s why it continues.
5. I flipped back and forth about whether they would get back together. In the beginning I thought it would be her that wouldn’t want him back. I usually figure if you walk away, then you are doing the right thing. If the situation is so unbearable that you want to walk away and you do walk away, then it’s just the way it’s meant to be. I did think he would take her back, because it seemed like he really loved her and still loved her. Though there was a time in the middle where I thought they would not be together. We don’t really get to know Andrew all that well in the book. He didn’t seem too perfect, just normal, I suppose. 
6. I think most people these days compartmentalize their emotions. I don’t think it has to do with being male or female. I think in general if you are too emotional, you get labeled as crazy or out of control. We are all expected to be under control of our emotions at all times, to conform. I suppose the commitment-phobic characterization is more often associated with male stereotypes than female stereotypes, but in reality, I personally think that both are susceptible to this behaviour. I think very few personality traits can truly be characterized as solely male or solely female. I think traditionally males have been stereotyped as workaholics more than females, but I don’t think that is true in practice either. I know just as many female workaholics. I think we live in a society that breeds workaholics and anything less is looked upon as lazy, which is unfair.
7. Emily looks to the women in her life for guidance and also as possible outcomes for her own life.