Change

Change comes from within, and I know this, but the first thing that I think of doing, when I know something has to change, is to change the outside. I distract myself from what is essential to the change. Like I’ll convince myself that the ‘right’ clothes or smells or environment will help me feel more ‘comfortable’ so I can write better. But I know I don’t need any of those things. I can write anywhere, I just have to let the words come out, and I have to try and give it a chance. How can I expect to write something when I don’t even give my brain a chance to gather thoughts and string some sentences together. Like two minutes ago I was thinking that I should stop coming here because I haven’t been doing work here lately, but really it’s not the fault of the location, it’s the person, it’s me. And I am everywhere I go, stopping myself from thinking about what I need to do. It’s like there are many brains upstairs and one of them is sitting on the toilet, just waiting to come out, but mostly just content to sit on the toilet, not caring about what happens. Isolated in the bathroom, an essential process, but also a good way to waste time. And now I’m going to go eat something.