It’s not so bad.

I’m not ready to put it all out there on my own identified blog, not even on the one that doesn’t even have my name on it. It can be traced back to my blog so it is not totally anonymous and the chances of anyone finding it are slim, but I’m just not ready yet and in order to compose on that space I was editing words in my head before I would allow myself to type them, but here I make them come out as fast as I can. because no one knows me here. and no one reads this. I’m tired, post lunch tiredness, and I got up rather early this morning. In any case, it’s been a bit of a strange couple of days. First something really cool happens, and then today, I found out something shocking about someone I used to know. We were not good friends, but we worked together and we would hang out on occasion and he seemed like an alright guy. I thought his life was pretty great, he was going places and doing things and had the confidence and smoothness that I’ve always wanted to possess, but never do. I knew that he was not so confident inside, but the fact that he was able to project it, was something. Anyway, his life is kind of in shambles at the moment, and it’s pretty sad. There’s just a lot of stuff going on in his life that is out of control and I think he doesn’t want to face the problems, kind of like me in that respect, but his problems are so much greater than mine. It made me see that my life is not so bad, there is always someone out there with worse problems than you. And in terms of chance/fate etc., I kind of wonder if that is also another sign for me, to tell me that that is what could happen to me too, if I don’t get my shit together. It is very real, and in comparison I have a great support system, even though I feel very alone at times, I know that if I asked for help, I would get it. I just don’t think that people could really help all that much, I feel like the changes have to come from me. But maybe that’s how he feels too, and why it’s been hard for him to ask for help. I hope I never get to that point, but you just never know what will happen, I don’t even know if he understands what is going on. I think he does, but he doesn’t know how to get out of it. It’s kind of what I’ve been doing the last year I think, ignoring all the problems and floating along and occupying time. I think it is a warning. If I don’t shape up, I’m going to end up like that. Oh dear. I have to shape up, stop daydreaming during work time, get this shit written.

I also feel like I should be more real, stop hiding so much. I’m ok with who I am, I am just not one to share that’s all, but I think life can be better if you do share. It’s not good to hole yourself up all the time just to protect yourself from people who might tear you down. You should have a little more faith in humanity, and yourself, that you can withstand the negativity. I hate negativity. Heh.